I work with a lot of clients who are dynamic, successful, kind, and have a lot to offer the world and a future life partner yet they can’t seem to find that special person. They experience feeling chronic let down and fear that they will never find someone. The two common complaints I hear from people in the dating world is that they recognize that they continue to date the same “type” of person and it never works out, and they experience similar unhealthy relationship patterns. Lets talk about how to navigate change in these two dating struggles.
When your dating radar is focused on the same type of person there can be many things at play. Think about when and where you first experienced this personality type in your life. An example would be when a woman continues to date men who are the infamous “emotionally unavailable”. This woman may have experienced this same relationship with another close male figure in her life such as with her father. Yes, I am using the age old “daddy issues” analogy but it must be identified and then worked through (which is possible). Awareness of the route is paramount in solving the problem. The reason why we enter into relationships like this is that as humans we like to be around familiarity. If you are familiar with an emotionally distant male, you know how it feels and what will usually occur in the relationship. This gives you a feeling of emotional safety, but not necesarily happiness. Some people like to fix the past through the present. We often times maintain that if we marry an emotionally distant person, and transform them to be an emotionally present person, then we will be complete and happy. Hmmm, that sounds like a lot of work to me and may not end the way you had hoped.
The second dating struggle is the dynamic of the relationship or relational patterns. The common mistake people are making here is first not choosing wisely with who they enter into a relationship. If you hear patterns in the person’s past such as explosive fights with an ex, inability to hold down a job, struggle maintaining friends, and so on, you are most likely in the presence of someone who struggles with instability among other things. You have the choice to enter into a relationship with this type of person. The next mistake I see people making, if they are indeed in a relationship with a well intentioned person (and they themself are well-intentioned) is continuing terrible communication patterns. Lets face it, most people struggle knowing how to be in relationships and communcating effectively. Strong communication skills need to be established early in order to achieve optimal health and happiness in a relationship. If you feel you struggle with communicating, get help. Relationship counseling, a dating coach, therapy, whatever you want to call it can be so helpful. People feel more empowered when they can express their needs and wants to others.